Toxic Relationships: Flip the Switch - Stop Manipulation and Start Thriving🌟

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Unlock the Secrets to Breaking Free from Manipulation with Dr. Amen Kaur

Are you ready to reclaim your emotional well-being and escape the grip of toxic relationships? In this empowering episode, Dr. Amen Kaur unravels the powerful dynamics of manipulation and provides actionable strategies to help you take back control of your life.

Do emotions like fear, obligation, and guilt leave you feeling trapped, unsure of how to move forward? We decode the key acronyms from a body language expert Chase Hughes such as FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and CAVA (Control, Approval, Validation, Attention), exposing the emotional tools manipulators use and their underlying motives. With these insights, you’ll learn to identify manipulation, set boundaries, and respond with clarity and confidence.

But awareness is just the first step. True transformation comes from addressing the emotional roots of manipulation. Dr. Kaur emphasizes the importance of processing emotions—because healing isn’t just logical, it’s deeply emotional. In this episode, you’ll discover how to:

• Recognize emotional triggers and respond thoughtfully.
• Break the trauma cycle and regain personal power.
• Use self-reflection to foster resilience and healing.

Whether you’ve been stuck in toxic patterns or are ready to start fresh, this episode equips you with the tools to thrive. Dr. Kaur shares practical guidance and encourages listeners to explore healing resources, including personalized one-on-one sessions tailored to individual needs. https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

Don’t miss this opportunity to gain clarity, empowerment, and peace. Tune in now to begin your journey to freedom, emotional strength, and a brighter future.

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding and Breaking Free From Manipulation
• 16:54 Regaining Power and Emotional Control
• 22:46 Overcoming Manipulation With Love

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Toxic Relationship Detox, where you can explore some tools today that are really going to change your whole outlook, maybe even save you from any toxic relationships. Moving forward, you can reclaim your emotional well-being. At the end of this podcast, you'll really understand what's been happening and be able to move forward where you can feel alive again and make the most of your life. My name is Dr Emmancourt and I, too, have been in toxic relationships and today we're going to be diving into the hidden tactics of manipulation and how you can flip the switch to shut them down for good. If you've felt controlled or drained by someone in your life, this is the episode for you, because it can be so difficult to see and uncover the strategies that manipulators use. This is going to be nice and clean for you to really understand what is happening when you're in a toxic relationship, what tools do they use and how do they impact you to be able to keep that control. Then you'll have the actionable techniques to break free and take back your power, because where there's awareness and understanding, there's your power as well. So the first thing we need to look at is understanding manipulation. Let's start with. What do you need to know about manipulation. What manipulators use is emotional tactics to control others use is emotional tactics to control others. If they can manipulate you and control you through your emotions, they can then get you to take action in the way that they want you to take action. So it's a control mechanism through emotional manipulation. Now, this can be sometimes really hard to decipher or understand what they're trying to do, but let's break it down so that it makes sense and you probably have a massive aha moment.

Speaker 1: 2:15

I love this acronym called FOG F for fear, o for obligation and G for guilt. When narcissists are trying to control or whatever it is that they're trying to get for themselves, they're basically using these three tools as an overall. One is either they're trying to instill fear in you that you're going to get into trouble somehow, or people are going to think badly of you. Whatever it might be, you're going to have fear for your safety in some way. The second thing is they get you to feel obligated to do whatever it is that they need you to do. Now, if you're somebody that has had a certain type of upbringing, you might find that you are a people pleaser and you feel this obligation to fulfill everybody else's needs, but when you're with a toxic individual, that obligation increases. And the other third thing is guilt. Think about it. When manipulators are manipulating you, you feel stuck. You feel like you can't move forward. It's because they're either using fear, obligation and guilt. I love this acronym and this acronym comes from Chase Hughes, so he's an actual expert in body language and he's come up with this acronym, but I think it's great.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Fear, obligation and guilt If you can recognize these are the triggers, that is the first step to breaking free. So one of the things I really want you to do is look at all these three Fear, obligation and guilt. These are all emotional. Obligation might be. You feel like you should be loyal, you should be a good person. There's some sort of emotional driver there. Fear is obviously an emotion. We feel fearful and hence why we will take action. And then there's guilt.

Speaker 1: 4:28

We're going to break down why it's so important for us to understand what manipulation is and why we need to recognize this. Because if you're someone that's been in a toxic relationship, you're probably highly analytical, you're probably someone that thinks things through, you're someone that problem solves and fixes things, and you could probably fix loads of problems and maybe people come to you to fix their problems because you're so good at thinking things through and coming out with a solution. But the problem here is, when you're in a toxic relationship, it's not the analytical part that you need. It's about understanding how your emotions are manipulated. That's the key here, and it's actually understanding that. It's not thinking things through and fixing things. It's more understanding. Okay, how are my emotions being triggered so that I do what they want me to do? It's really about understanding your emotional well-being, understanding how your emotions get used, rather than thinking things through, which is a different part of the brain. But here's another layer that we need to address as well.

Speaker 1: 5:46

Manipulators typically want one or more of the following four things, and the way we can remember this is through the acronym CAVA C is control, a is approval, v is validation, a is attention. Now, I really don't want you to worry about this, because when we've been in a toxic relationship, we actually start taking on board the need for approval and validation ourself as well. We're not really doing anything in terms of control or attention, but we are looking for approval and validation from the narcissist, and that's something to really bear in mind. That you probably changed a bit more in terms of needing the approval, needing the validation of the toxic individual or others, to feel like it's not you, because you can feel there's a difference in you and we're going to come back to this in a moment. So the two acronyms you really need to remember is they will use tools of FOG, f-o-g, fear, obligation and guilt, and the reason why they're using these tools is so they can either control you, get your approval, get your validation or get your attention in some way. So that's really important to understand that actually, they're looking for something from me and they're going to manipulate so that they can gain something.

Speaker 1: 7:24

Manipulators are always trying to get something, and that can help you understand, okay, what's really going on, what are they really trying to get out of me? And then you can think, okay, how am I going to protect my boundaries? It's easier then to put some boundaries in place. So what we need to do is not so much react on their behavior or on their manipulation, but actually respond to their intention not what they're doing, but what they're intending. That's where we've got to learn to decode their playbook. It's really understanding how do I respond to something? Is knowing what the real reason for them doing what they're doing is Okay. That's where the real power lies. Just hear me out.

Speaker 1: 8:17

Say if, for instance, you're going through a breakup and you're finding that this toxic individual keeps breaking the structure of the children. So every single time the children are supposed to be with you, they try and disrupt that time and they want to do something when you have the children. That's something that toxic people do do because they are looking for control. So then what we look at is they might be creating fear, obligation and guilt in the way they're talking to you, so that they can trigger fear, obligation and guilt within you, so that they can get something in return, which is control and maybe attention. So, out of the carver, it might be control and attention. Now, the reason why they might want that control is to disrupt the routine, but also they might want maybe have the children more over time and they've got some sort of scheming plan that they've set up somewhere. So you need to understand, okay, what is really driving this kind of behavior, and then you can then decide what you're going to do Now. This is where we move on to the third point.

Speaker 1: 9:39

The most powerful strategy is space. Give yourself space to self-regulate. The reason why I say that is that when you give yourself space, you can have silent reflection, you can take some time to pause before reacting. This is vital. This is the most important thing, because silence or space disarms them. It gives you a moment to evaluate what's really going on here, because what happens in the brain when you get triggered remember they control through emotions. What does that mean?

Speaker 1: 10:21

If we look at the brain and we look at what's going on inside of our brain when we're around a toxic individual, what they're doing is they are getting us to disconnect from our thinking part of the brain the cortex, the logical thinking part of the brain, and what they're doing is triggering the emotional part of the brain, or more of the primitive part of the brain where your nervous system gets triggered, but also your emotions and your trauma that you've already got stored in your brain is triggered, so that way, they can get you to respond to them without you thinking Okay, that's actually what's happening in the brain. You respond, you react without being able to use the thinking part of the brain. That's why it's so important to create space and to self-regulate before you respond, because then you can actually see, okay, what is the right thing for me to do, and use all of your brain, even the thinking part of the brain. You can use the emotional part of the brain to actually see.

Speaker 1: 11:33

Okay, what emotions are they trying to trigger within me? You just feel what am I feeling? Am I feeling fear? Am I feeling obligated to do this, even though I don't really want to do it? Am I feeling guilty for them in some way, like I feel bad for them that they're suffering so much? I mean, they're the best when it comes to using emotional guilt. It's just ridiculous how great they are. Everything is always awful and it's always they are the victim.

Speaker 1: 12:06

If we look at all of that, we give ourselves some time to actually practice in real time how to calm the nervous system down so that you stay calm, and then you look at your emotions in awareness, rather than allowing your emotions to take over, because that's their intention. Okay, remember, their intention is that you keep your brain switched off, your prefrontal cortex switched off, so that that way they can manipulate you. You're much more easily manipulated if they can trigger the emotions, so if you are able to give yourself the time to process those emotions and then engage the rest of your brain. You'll be able to then look at okay, what boundaries do I need to put in place and how can I actually respond in a way that works for me? This is where, if you're able to label what they're doing calmly, for instance, say, if they're saying, oh, you don't care about me, or you don't care about anyone apart from yourself, you're so selfish I'm sure you've heard that Sorry, I'm laughing because I've heard it so many times myself You're so selfish, you don't care about anyone but yourself and you're such a bad mother or whatever it is that they're trying to get across.

Speaker 1: 13:31

You can really take the time to think okay, so they're creating some fear in me, they're trying to make me feel obligated to do what they want me to do, and they're also engaging guilt so they can control me, so that they can get the outcome that they want. That gives you that awareness. That ability to actually just label what's happening actually takes you out of the emotion so that you become aware which is a different part of the brain. Through the awareness and in that awareness, you're connecting back to the rest of the brain. Through the awareness and in that awareness, you're connecting back to the rest of the brain so you can think more quickly and you can think carefully about what you want to do, moving forward. These tools are so useful on an everyday level.

Speaker 1: 14:24

I mean, it's not just important to see this in terms of manipulation or manipulators. It's actually really good to work like this in dealings with everyone and anyone, because when you've been in a toxic relationship, the problem is that you have more trauma. The reason why you have more trauma is because they have been manipulating you emotionally, so you're accumulating more emotional trauma that hasn't been processed. That's why, when people look at what happens in the brain when you've been in toxic relationships, is that they can see that we have complex PTSD. What that means is you've just accumulated a lot of trauma and there's more likely that people can trigger us more and more over time. So what we've got to do to really get on with our life again just move forward is to be able to engage the whole brain fully so you don't feel like you're not yourself anymore.

Speaker 1: 15:29

Because, unfortunately, when we've been in toxic relationships and we're getting triggered and we don't know what to do with our emotions, sometimes we can start to believe there's actually something wrong with me, when there isn't anything wrong with you. All it is is that you don't have the tools to be able to process all the trauma that you've accumulated from being in the relationship, from being controlled and manipulated using fear, obligation and guilt, because there's an increase in all of that in our brain now, in the way we think or in terms of our emotions, and what that leaves us is being more prone to be controlled through fear, obligation and guilt, because it's increased within us. So that's why sometimes we find that we come out of one toxic relationship and we get into another toxic relationship. Or you come out of a relationship and there's somebody else that's toxic and you, there's somebody else that's toxic and and you don't seem to be able to move forward without meeting toxic individuals, and it's like we keep getting triggered over and over again. The reason for that is is because, being in one toxic relationship, the amount of fear, obligation and guilt has increased to be able to survive in that relationship. It's just because we've been manipulated in that way. I hope that explains it.

Speaker 1: 16:54

So the most important thing that we can do it's not about thinking better, because you're thinking part of the brain is absolutely perfect. You're probably a problem solver. You're analytical. A problem solver, you're analytical, you can think your way through pretty much everything. It's more the emotions Manipulators feed off your emotional reactions.

Speaker 1: 17:17

So it's learning how to process emotions so that you can stay calm. That's how you gain your power and you diminish other people's power over you. They don't have the ability to trigger you anymore and using curiosity and start being curious like why do I feel like this? Why is it that I'm reacting like this? It doesn't make sense. And then you go okay, so this must be emotion. Okay, what are the emotions am I feeling right now? Is it fear, obligation or guilt, even though this person isn't manipulative? Why am I feeling that way? Oh, it might be because in that relationship where I was in a toxic relationship, that person made me feel like I need to do everything for everyone else. So now I'm still in that pattern where I'm still doing everything for everyone else. It's like an inner job where we need to look inside and think oh, it sounds like they're trying to get me to prioritize themselves over myself, and it's just getting that clear in our head. And then being able to label it in our own mind allows you to then look at okay. Well, what do I want to do? Moving forward and be able to deal with it in a calm and effective way, without your emotions being triggered. Now, this is really key when we're trying to get out of a toxic relationship.

Speaker 1: 18:54

A lot of the time, the trauma bond is in place because of fear, obligation and guilt. We feel a real sense of loyalty which doesn't make any sense. That's the obligation, and then the guilt. They'll say things like what about the children? They need a father, they need a mother, and it's your fault. And all of those things have a greater impact on us. And all of those things have a greater impact on us.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Well, we know that it's not good to stay in a relationship, but the fear, obligation and guilt keeps us stuck. But the thing is you don't have to play by their rules. You can start recognizing the tactics, and that's the first step, because once you can recognize them, it's the best thing ever, because then you realize it's not a logical thing. That's the problem here. There's nothing logically wrong with you, it's an emotional thing. And then, when you start to grapple with that, oh my gosh, it's an emotional thing. I can fix this. I can actually fix this if I could just learn how to process my emotions without thinking there's something wrong with being emotional, because I know that I have been trained to feel fear around having emotions by the toxic individual and that's how they keep me stuck.

Speaker 1: 20:20

It's when you can get to grasp that this is emotional, it's the emotional part, it's the CPTSD that keeps us stuck long after the relationship's even over, where you just don't feel like yourself. Then, when you can really grasp, oh, they've controlled me through emotions. Then you can say, ah, it wasn't because there was something wrong with me. Why did I stay there for so long? Why did I let someone disrespect me? It was because of the emotional control that I didn't realize. And if I can get my emotional power back and I can learn how to do that, then I can recognize tactics like this and I can respond with clarity and confidence and I reclaim my emotional power and then I feel like I can have my emotional power back, I can get my spirit back, I can feel alive again and really live my life to the fullest once again and make the most of my life moving forward. If that is something you want to do, you can do that today. You can start becoming aware today and if you realize, oh wow, I understand what's really going on and I want to take my power back and stay empowered and take control of myself moving forward, then please do look into the resources section.

Speaker 1: 21:54

Now some of you do want to do a one-to-one with me, but you just don't know how, the way to find the link to actually book in a one-to-one session with myself. You look at the description of the podcast this podcast and then a bit further down you'll see a link, a link for my link tree. If you click on that link, you can then see that there's different resources that I offer people to be able to heal from toxic relationships. If you book in a one-to-one session with me, we can talk through what is it that you need in terms of therapy to be able to move forward and reclaim your power back. You apply for that session and you can then start moving forward in 2025 in a totally different way.

Speaker 1: 22:46

It's so inspiring to see people change and just turn their life around once. They just really understand. It's an emotional thing, it's not a logical thing and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's just going to take a bit of time to heal the trauma. I really hope that you love these acronyms as much as I do. I think it really puts everything into perspective and really makes us understand. Wow, it is just fear, obligation and guilt. They're the three things that they use and they're always after something. Fear, obligation and guilt they're the three things that they use and they're always after something, and we know we can put them into different categories of what is it that they're after, so that you can get your emotional power back. Look, I'm sending you so much love Till next time.