Toxic Relationships Exposed: The Power Shift & Recognizing Manipulation 🌟

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Are Your Relationships Silently Undermining Your Power? Could even your strongest relationships be quietly eroding your personal power? In this episode of Toxic Relationship Detox, join me, Dr. Amen Kaur, as we uncover the hidden tactics of manipulation that can entrap even the most resilient individuals. Drawing from the groundbreaking F-A-T-E model by behavioral expert Chase Hughes, we’ll reveal how fear, repetition, and urgency are used to hijack your focus and control your decisions.

Discover how authority figures can misuse their influence to manipulate, and how true leaders inspire us to trust ourselves instead. This isn’t just about breaking free—it’s about healing, reclaiming personal freedom, and becoming a source of strength for others.

We’ll also explore the emotional hooks that cloud judgment, the human desire for belonging, and how ego-driven power contrasts with the transformative strength of love and respect. Learn how to question authority, maintain curiosity, and protect yourself from manipulative narratives, empowering you to take back control of your life.

Inspired by the unity and vision of leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., this episode highlights how love and personal empowerment can overcome fear and control. It’s time to reclaim your power, harness your potential, and step into a future of freedom and self-trust.

Chapters

• 0:00 Healing Power in Toxic Relationships
• 8:44 Recognizing Manipulation in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome back to the Toxic Relationship Detox. And today we're talking about one of humanity's greatest challenges, but also opportunities healing our relationship with power. And I just want to acknowledge you right now if you've been in a toxic relationship, you're someone that is healing your relationship with power. For so long, many of us have been caught up in systems of manipulation, control and fear, but it's something that everyone has been to some degree, because I believe that we're on a brink of collective awakening and you, my friend, are here to help humanity break free. Your experience of being in a toxic relationship is about you reclaiming your power. You step into a future of self-trust, resilience and personal freedom, so you're actually leading the way in actually healing, not just for yourself, but for humanity as a whole. So if you've ever felt stuck, silenced or controlled, this episode is for you. My name is Dr Emmancourt and I just want you to know. Like yourself, I too have been in a toxic relationship. We're going to start by understanding how we've been controlled, one of the things that when I'm talking to people, they're often concerned about how did they allow themselves to be controlled? And sometimes it's really difficult to understand, because you're such a strong individual, you're positive. You're a fixer, you're someone that probably thinks outside the box in so many different ways, but yet somehow you've managed to get into a toxic relationship. And why is that? How does it even happen? I want to use Chase Hughes insight. He's a behavioral expert. He's been studying behaviors, especially how humans use behaviors to manipulate. I want to share a simplified version of his work. It's called the fate modelATE model F-A-T-E, and we're just going to go through this now. While we're going through it, it'd be great if you just reflect on your own experiences this difficult time.

Speaker 1: 2:17

The first thing is focus. Our attention is hijacked through people that are manipulating us, and it's normally hijacked through fear, repetition and urgency. They're the three things that we need to be aware of when someone's saying the same thing, the same story, over and over again and creating fear in you, and also where people try and get you to react quickly. That is something to really be careful of, because the main thing we need to know is where our attention is. That's our focus, that's our currency, that's our power, because whatever we focus on, we actually start to. If we focus on it long enough, we start to believe. Believe it.

Speaker 1: 3:04

This is what happens, you know for people that have been in cults or people who have been in war, how they are brainwashed. They literally are put in situations where they feel fear, they are tortured and that's a huge amount of fear that your nervous system is in fear all the time. And they use repetition. They just repeat things over a loudspeaker over and over again, so it gets programmed into your subconscious whether you like it or whether you believe it or not. It still gets within your subconscious. That that's something to really be focused on is where is this person taking my focus?

Speaker 1: 3:49

So, for instance, with toxic relationships, you'll find that you're wanting to talk about one thing and they're bringing your attention back to what they want to focus on, or they're diverting your attention from what it is that you want to talk about to something where they're blaming you and shaming you, so that they're creating fear and they're repeating an old story over and over again. It's like groundhog day, so that you just want to get out of that situation and just calm yourself. So the other thing I want to bring up here is that be careful where your attention is going. If you're finding that you're out of the toxic relationship but you're still ruminating, your focus and your attention is still maybe focusing on something that creates fear in your nervous system and you're repeating that thing over and over again. So that will then brainwash your subconscious mind if you keep focusing on it. But sometimes it's a protection mechanism. Rumination, in essence, is a protection mechanism in the brain. Sometimes there's trauma and we don't know how to heal our trauma. So we ruminate instead, we think about it, we go over it, we mull over it, we try and see where we could have done things differently. Because it's a protection mechanism from feeling the pain. And that's what a toxic individual does is they don't want to feel the pain, the shame, the embarrassment. So then they divert the attention that you're thinking, your focus, onto something totally different so that they can avoid feeling that shame and guilt within themselves. But this, like I said, can happen within us as well. So if you're finding that you're ruminating, it might be do you want to do some trauma therapy to actually heal the pain so you can move forward?

Speaker 1: 5:49

The second thing in Chase Hughes' insight is authority. Manipulators often pose as experts or trusted figures to push their agenda. This is so important because when you look at historically, if you look at all the spiritual masters or masters that weren't manipulating anybody. They never pushed their own agenda. They were saying to everybody please trust yourself. The kingdom of heaven is within, or Buddha said everything is within yourself. People who use authority in a pure way. They're trying to get you to believe in yourself, whereas manipulators are pushing their agenda. They're pushing what they want, and you might see this in your boss. You might see that sometimes these people are manipulators or they are toxic. Second thing you might find is that your partner or this toxic individual might be in a position of power, but how many people have we found out about that? They've been abusing people and they were in a position of power. They were seen as someone that was charitable and on the side they were abusing children, etc. This happens all the time. Just because someone's in a position of authority doesn't mean that you don't want to question what's really going on and what is best for you.

Speaker 1: 7:19

I remember when I first started doing therapy for myself after the toxic relationship, I couldn't understand why I wasn't healing and I was going every week doing talk therapy. Every single week, I was talking, talking, talking, doing it all just because that was the thing to do to do talk therapy, and it was only when I started questioning why am I mean? Is it that nothing is really changing in my life? I'm talking about it, I'm focusing on it, which is part of the problem, but yet I'm not healing, because every single thing that I'd ever invested in before, like coaching or anything like that I could see results in my life. You know things would change, but nothing was changing. I still had the same amount of fear, if not more, and I couldn't understand why it wasn't changing. It was only when I started to question it was I able to find people that had really studied trauma for years and understand how it impacted the brain. And it took me down a completely different field and I realized that actually you don't want to just follow what everybody's doing just because they're doing it. You want to really trust yourself, what is working for you, what isn't working for you, and find the solutions what work for you, because you want to live your life that way.

Speaker 1: 8:44

The third thing that Chase talks about is tribe. We're all wired to seek belonging and we want to really avoid polarizing narratives that create us versus them dynamics, because sometimes when we get into those dynamics, because sometimes when we get into those dynamics. That means that we could be manipulated, we could be controlled, and I think this is really important, even when we're trying to heal from the toxic relationships. We don't want to get down that whole route of focusing on them, which is our attention is being hijacked and going over and watching and reading and learning about them all the time, but when we're not actually allowing ourselves to connect with other human beings, to have compassion for ourselves and compassion and love for ourselves, we don't want to start focusing on them. We want to start focusing on what makes us feel good.

Speaker 1: 9:48

The fourth thing is emotion, which is if someone creates fear or hope or outrage, any type of emotion, that's quite strong. It can suppress our critical thinking. That's quite strong. It can suppress our critical thinking. So if you're finding that you can't think straight, it might be that your emotions have been triggered and it might be you're numb to those emotions so you can't really fully feel them, but your critical thinking has been impacted and that's where it's the trauma that you just need to learn how to process the emotions and process the trauma so that you can move forward, because your critical thinking is vital. It's so important because that helps you look at the evidence and look at what is right, what is wrong, what is it that you need and start questioning things around you. So think about your life. Are there areas where you felt your focus or your emotions are being hijacked and who or what might benefit from keeping you small, silent or controlled?

Speaker 1: 10:54

Because this is the second thing I really want to look at what is true power? We need to define what power is. Power is shifting the focus from ego-driven power, which is the narcissistic traits, to personal empowerment. We don't want to be taken over by someone that's narcissistic. We want to get to that personal empowerment because it feels good. True power is rooted in love, is rooted in you confidence in yourself, believing in yourself, believing in your power and aligning with your values what feels good to you, and knowing that everyone's going to be different and it's okay for everyone to be different, but you have the right to be you.

Speaker 1: 11:48

False power is based on fear, control, separation, as if there's right and wrong and that you're wrong. If you don't do this, there is absolutely no way that if someone's really in their own true power, that they are going to want to control anyone else, if anything, they want you to be free so you can be yourself. It's respecting you, collaborating with you, encouraging you, loving you. That's what healthy relationships are about. In relationships where there's false power, it might look like the partner's using guilt and shame or fear to control you. So emotional responses is something that you really need to look out for, because it does suppress critical thinking. If you have a strong emotional reaction to something, pause and ask yourself what is really happening here. How is this really making me feel?

Speaker 1: 12:50

If we go back to history and look at how true power overcomes false power, we can look at Martin Luther King Jr and his speech of I have a dream. Why was it so incredible and I think I've brought this up in some other podcasts quite early on. I just think he was about unity unity over that false power, which was all about slavery slavery and if that is the extreme here. To really explain this point in in a way that hopefully you kind of understand what true power is here. It is about love. It's about having that dream and seeing that dream and holding it in terms of seeing people who of us all working together, of love, of unity, of connection and coming from that space. And, yeah, there's going to be people that aren't going to buy into that, and that's okay, but it doesn't mean that you don't go into your own power and really connect with that. You're okay as you are. You're incredible as you are.

Speaker 1: 14:05

The other thing I want to look at is giving you some tools or some questions of how to recognize manipulation, and really it's about questioning. That's the framework that you can use Is, if you're not allowed to question or disagree, then you're being controlled. Sometimes people get worried that if we're questioning, we must be being rude or something. No, you can ask the questions within yourself, and actually it's more about having curiosity, because curiosity is your power, because being curious means that we can grow. If you don't ask questions, if you don't ask, what if? If I did this? What if I could succeed? What if there's a possibility of doing something even better than what I'm doing right now? Or what if I can help people?

Speaker 1: 15:03

One of the questions that you can also ask is why, now, if you're faced with urgent messages or crisis, or someone is really pushing down a narrative, is there a motive to create fear or compliance? Normally, in toxic relationships, if they're really pushing something and there's some sort of crisis. You have to think what's going on, what could be. Is this the cover up for something else? If they are actually love bombing you all of a sudden, why they're diverting your attention from something else, what is really going on? Or if it's suddenly berating you and devaluing you for some reason, why? Now what's really going on? Is there a motive to create fear or compliance? And this is something that cults do? Social media you'll find this If you see something and there's an agenda that's going on. Media you'll find this. If you see something and there's an agenda that's going on. You have to ask the question why now?

Speaker 1: 16:01

And also spot authority manipulation. When someone is using credentials or status to push opinions outside of their expertise, like people in authority or people with influence on areas that they don't really know much about, ask yourself the question well, why are they pushing that when that isn't their expertise, that's not their field of experience? It doesn't make sense. Just start asking the questions Because, honestly, it will save you from being manipulated. Really make decisions about what is right for you and also look for tribal polarization. Be cautious of any language that divides, like good versus evil, us versus them.

Speaker 1: 16:49

Sometimes it's a tactic to exploit our need for belonging. If someone says things like oh, they're so bad, bad, and you can see this in toxic relationships, in the toxic individual, everything is black and white. It's either great or it's terrible. And we don't want to get into that polarization, because usually there's a manipulation around that. They're trying really hard to get us to belong to one tribe. Why is that? Why can't we just be free to be ourself and be in that tribe where there's understanding, there's love, there's compassion, there's the freedom to be yourself, to be accepted as yourself the good, the bad, the mistakes, whatever it is and just allow yourself to be forgiven and to forgive yourself, so that you don't feel this need to be this perfect person, like the person who you've been living with is expecting you to be, because that's where we get ourself into a space of being devalued, as if we have to be this perfect person. Remember, we're a human being. We're going to make mistakes sometimes and it's okay.

Speaker 1: 18:03

Also, be aware of emotional hooks. If there's fear or anger is being triggered, stop and analyze the facts. Always look at evidence, and this is really key because you will know that the toxic individual will use emotional hooks so that people don't analyze the facts. Toxic individuals are dealing with support services and you're dealing with support services and you might be going to the police or try and trial protection, and they're not looking at the facts. They're just getting sucked in by the toxic person's emotional hooks and they're not analyzing the facts. That's why it's really important for you to stick to the facts over and over and over again, because usually the toxic individual won't have any facts, won't have any evidence, and all they'll have is the emotional hooks that they depend on.

Speaker 1: 18:55

Have you ever felt panicked after watching the news? Or you're scrolling through social media, or you're around someone and you just feel odd. You were fine before and then you don't feel so good afterwards. That reaction might not be accidental. It's designed to keep you engaged and compliant. Sometimes these people make you feel a certain way because they're trying to keep you compliant, and sometimes that compliancy is that they don't want you to do well, they don't want you to do great. They want to keep you down. Start asking who benefits if I stay afraid or if I don't feel good enough.

Speaker 1: 19:34

Reclaim your power in your own life. Ask yourself what stories have I been told about who I am and what I'm capable of. You can be anything you want. I promise you you can. You can have your dreams. You can be who you want. I am that I am. You can be who you are. This is why affirmations have worked for so many people. You know, especially if you don't have trauma, doing affirmations can be so powerful. Who are you, what do you believe that you are? And replace those fear-based stories with empowering ones. Write down all the things that you've achieved.

Speaker 1: 20:16

If you do have fear, if you do have trauma, release it. Let it go so that you can step into your power. You can be who you want to be and start building boundaries. Say no to things that don't align with your values. Explore your values, even if it feels uncomfortable at first and I promise you it will feel uncomfortable at first. If you've been programmed to feel guilty about having your needs met, you will find it difficult to even build boundaries, even to know what you want. Release the trauma. When a message stirs strong emotions, pause, analyze the evidence. Always analyze evidence, and if you find that the emotions are still strong, then that's trauma. Release the trauma. Do the trauma work so that you can let go and move forward and reclaim your life again.

Speaker 1: 21:14

Trust in yourself, trust in your inner voice. Our inner voice has been drowned out by external noise. It's not just the toxic individual. It's maybe the life that you grew up in, your household, the culture or where you've grown up. It could be so many things. The more you trust yourself, the harder it becomes for others to control you. Everything you need is within you and most people aren't aware of how easily it is for the behavior to be hijacked. There's been studies on this. You know people have been using this media, have been using this Because of social media, media. There is more and more people taking back control. We're learning, we're understanding and we're taking that and you are in that. You're becoming aware, you're awakening. The more you ask the right questions, the more you'll be taking back your power.

Speaker 1: 22:15

Focus on healing your relationship with power.

Speaker 1: 22:19

Release any fear of being powerful.

Speaker 1: 22:21

Many people feel fear of power because they associate it with harm, with the toxic individual.

Speaker 1: 22:29

Redefine power as the ability to love, to create, to inspire. It's not to dominate and forgive the past. Let go of resentment towards those who have manipulated or controlled you. This is the most important thing. It's not about forgiving or excusing anyone else's behavior. All it is is about freeing yourself so you can free yourself. It's really about getting your attention, your currency, back and align yourself with your true power. Commit to making choices that serve your highest good, even when it challenges the status quo. Where in your life have you avoided stepping into your power? And what would happen if you stopped holding yourself back and maybe if your trauma stopped holding you back and you trusted in you and your ability to create change? Because you've got it. Power isn't about control. It's about love, creation, alignment with your true self, and when you reclaim your power, you're not only transforming your life, you're contributing to the collective shift in consciousness. So take that step today. Question what doesn't feel right and trust your instincts and know that you are not alone on this journey. Together, we can create a world where power uplifts rather than divides.

Speaker 1: 23:57

Thank you so much for listening and, if this resonates, share this episode with anyone that needs it. Please do rate this podcast and let's spark this awakening together. And if you'd like to learn more about recognizing manipulation, building resilience, healing your trauma, check out the resources linked into the description, and you can also book in a one-to-one session with me. There is a link, but you're going to have to look at it in the actual description. If you do send me a text using fan mail, unfortunately I can't text you back because all the numbers are kept private. If this has made any difference to you, I love, love, love, love. Hearing from everyone, so please do so Until next time. Remember, trust yourself. You are your greatest guide and love yourself. Have compassion and understanding towards yourself, because love is also your power. Sending you so much love Till next time.