Toxic Relationships: The Science Behind Why You Feel Exhausted and Stuck (And How to Heal) 🌟

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Could the key to your emotional freedom lie in understanding the hidden forces within toxic relationships? In this enlightening episode of The Toxic Relationship Detox, Dr. Amen Kaur dives into the science of the nervous system and reveals how emotional manipulation can trap you in cycles of chronic stress, shutdown, and emotional numbness.

You'll gain invaluable insights into survival mechanisms like the dorsal vagal response, which can leave you feeling exhausted and powerless. But there’s hope—through self-love, compassion, and small but powerful actions, you can reclaim your peace and vitality.

Dr. Kaur offers expert guidance on:

• Practical strategies to regulate your nervous system,
• The role of therapy, yoga, and movement in trauma recovery,
• How to boost oxytocin to naturally lower stress hormones,
• And the surprising healing power of laughter in your recovery journey.

Whether you're coping with CPTSD or simply seeking tools to heal from past trauma, this episode is filled with actionable advice to help you break free from the shadows of toxic relationships.

Tune in now to begin your journey toward healing, self-love, and emotional freedom!

Chapters

• 0:00 Healing From Toxic Relationships
• 13:31 Recovery and Healing From Toxic Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi and welcome to the Toxic Relationship Detox. I'm Dr Eamon Kaur and today we're talking about how toxic relationships can affect our nervous system. I know a lot of people when they've been in toxic relationships. They don't understand why they're getting triggered and they also don't understand why they can't create the boundaries and have their own needs met like they used to. So we're going to explore that, but also how self-love, compassion and even laughter can play a huge role in healing.

Speaker 1: 0:33

If you've ever been in a relationship where someone's constantly manipulating your emotions, you probably know the toll it takes over time. It's not one thing that's been affecting it's accumulation, it's a compounding effect and it leaves you feeling constantly on edge, feeling like you walk on eggshells. You worry about everybody else and you want to just keep the peace, and maybe you've hit a point where you just feel numb, exhausted or you've completely shut down, but the way it feels is as if you're a zombie and you're not really living life like you used to. So we're going to unpack how emotional manipulation triggers survival responses in our nervous system and how you might feel stuck in the shutdown mode, and how compassion, love and even laughter can help you heal your body and mind. So let's begin.

Speaker 1: 1:39

When you're in a toxic relationship, your nervous system is on high alert. Our nervous system is absolutely brilliant. Honestly, it is the most amazing system out there. It's 24-7. It's on alert. It never stops, even when you're sleeping. It's on and your body is constantly telling you. If danger is near, this activates your sympathetic nervous system, or also known as your fight or flight response, which floods your body with stress hormones like cortisol. So you might notice symptoms like your heart is racing, you might have muscle tension, you might have anxiety or even panic attacks. But what happens and this is the tricky part over time, when the stress doesn't go away, your body actually shifts. It could shift into a shutdown mode, and this is part of what we call the dorsal vagal response. It's a protective mechanism as well. It's designed to conserve energy when the nervous system feels like there's no escape from the threat. So if you've been in a toxic relationship and you've been fighting and you've been trying to put boundaries in place, and if you go through the cycle, you know that you've been love bombed and then you get devalued, you get picked on, you get criticized, you get told you're no good, all these things and then, if you try and put any type of boundary in place, they punish you. So even if you fight, you get punished. So eventually what happens is you go into that dorsal vagal response which is I give up. You just stop fighting, you stop speaking, you stop saying what it is that you need.

Speaker 1: 3:33

It's a state where you might experience emotional numbness. What your brain does? It starts switching off so you don't feel anything and that's because it's trying to protect you. It's going into shutdown mode, it's conserving all the energy and it's basically you're feeling numb, so you don't feel the pain. Should we be eaten? If we're thinking of the primal brain, it's a process that is in place, but for when we were in the jungles we go into shutdown mode, so don't feel as much pain if we go through, if a lion eats us or something.

Speaker 1: 4:09

The other thing that you might feel is chronic exhaustion, where you just exhausted, you can't do certain things. You're just so tired all the time, and it's understandable, because your nervous system is protecting you and putting you in that state so you're not able to do the things that you used to do. When you're normal and you're happy and you're creative and you feel alive, that's a different state of the nervous system. It's like you're safe. The other thing with dorsal, vagal response when you're in the shutdown mode is we procrastinate, we have difficulty completing tasks, we might find it hard to get out of bed, and there is a real sense of helplessness and hopelessness and it's as though your body's saying I can't fight or run, I'll just disconnect and shut down. And this is slightly different from freeze mode. Now, if this sounds familiar, I just want you to know you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body is doing what it's designed to do and it's protecting you. So you're working perfectly well. You're perfect just as you are, but obviously we don't want to stay stuck there. Just as you are, but obviously we don't want to stay stuck there.

Speaker 1: 5:27

So if you are out of the relationship, you really do need to start that healing process. And the healing process. One of the things that we need to start with is self-compassion, and the most powerful tools that you have for healing your nervous system is self-compassion. Now, it might sound really simple, but it's deeply rooted in science. So let me explain. When you show yourself kindness, when you're really, really down, when you feel like you should be doing something else the house is a mess. But you're in dorsal vagal and you're in shutdown mode and you're exhausted vagal and you're in shutdown mode and you're exhausted when you treat yourself the way you would treat a dear friend. What your body does, it releases oxytocin, which is the love hormone, and this hormone has a calming effect which naturally reduces cortisol and the other stress hormones in your body.

Speaker 1: 6:25

So, for instance, say, if you feel like you should be further ahead, okay, and you haven't done enough, and you feel like I'm not good enough or whatever it is, if you instead don't criticize yourself, but actually you love yourself and have compassion for yourself and actually say to yourself oh, I get it, I get why you're being critical. It's just because I've been devalued for so long. I'm starting to maybe do that to myself now. I get it. I'm going to have compassion and understanding for even that part that is an inner critic. You know, that part that's saying I'm not good enough, or that you should have done this by now, or you should have got over this by now, or you should have left by now, or why are you even in this relationship, all those parts. If you're instead, well, I get it and I love me and I know I've been through a lot and you come at it with compassion for a lot and you come at it with compassion. You then are able to release oxytocin, which reduces the cortisol, which will help your nervous system recover. So this is science, this is biology, and, yeah, it feels better to be kinder to ourself, but it's actually healing. It's going to help you move forward as well.

Speaker 1: 7:45

So here's a few ways you could cultivate that self-compassion Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Say to yourself it's okay to feel overwhelmed right now or it's okay to think I should have done this by now, but I am worthy of love and healing and I have been through a lot and I am in shutdown mode. My nervous system is in a different level. And just engage in a few easy to do self-care things that are small. It can take a few minutes. You could just breathe, take a deep breath in and out, and just tell yourself well, I'm here and I'm still alive and I'm doing great for what I've been through, and it's okay that I'm feeling tired right now and it's okay if I want to rest right now, and that will help you. Now let's talk about something else that you might not expect. Now let's talk about something else that you might not expect laughter, say.

Speaker 1: 8:47

If you are in the shutdown mode and you're really exhausted, one thing that you could do is you could watch comedy, because children laugh up to 300 times a day, but adults only laugh about 15 to 30 times a day. Just think about their difference. We're adults and miserable, basically, and especially if you've been in a toxic relationship, oh, my goodness, we'll be lucky to smile or laugh once a day, right? So children are resilient and if you watch children, something can happen and they're more in the moment. They're more because they, in part, they are naturally healing and using laughter to release tension and regulate their emotions. Laughter is like a reset button and it actually produces endorphins as well. It's your body's natural feel-good chemicals, so it boosts your immune system. It improves your body, so it's really quite healing. So think about if you are in that shutdown mode, how can you bring more laughter into your life? Maybe you want to watch some series that makes you laugh or spend time with people that make you laugh.

Speaker 1: 10:03

Give yourself permission to not take everything so seriously, and one thing I really would encourage you to do is just see the ridiculousness of the toxic individual. I mean, so much doesn't make sense in what they do and then you can start laughing at it. I accidentally did laugh at a toxic individual who was telling me I was not doing my fair share of parenting and I just started to laugh because I know I'm doing majority of the parenting. I'm taking care of the children financially. I don't get any child maintenance. There's so much that I'm doing and I just couldn't stop laughing because I found the ridiculousness of the situation. It was just like it just doesn't make sense what you're saying. So it will get to a point where you can see how ridiculous the toxic individual is, that they are a bit of a joke.

Speaker 1: 11:05

What toxic individuals do is they accumulate all these emotions within them and say, if they get triggered, then they want to throw all those emotions onto somebody else, and it's probably you, hence why you're listening to this podcast. Imagine like there's an accumulation of all this toxicity. All these emotions are like bottles and bottles and bottles of it, and what they're doing is they can't deal with it. They don't know how to regulate their own emotions. So what they do is they see the person they can take it out on. So what they do is they take all those bottles of horrible, negative emotions and they just give them to you to deal with. And then you have all these emotions and you don't know what to do with it because there's just too much emotional pain there. And the other problem with being around toxic individuals is they don't give you space to self-regulate, so you don't have the time to actually process all those emotions. They keep pouring more and more emotions onto you so you end up having to deal with and numbing your emotions and then your nervous system kicks in where you're not feeling safe emotionally, psychologically and maybe even physically.

Speaker 1: 12:25

So healing from toxic relationship is not just about changing your mindset. The first step is about retraining your nervous system to feel safe again and then, once you've done that is looking at the trauma, all the emotions that you've got. So it's relearning how to regulate your nervous system so you feel safe, so you can feel again. So some of the ways that you can bring yourself back into the present is by using your senses like feel your feet on the ground, take another sip in and then just sigh it out. Sigh it out I know it sounds weird, but sighing is great because you're engaging your parasympathetic nervous system so it actually helps your body, your nervous system, calm down. The other way is to create some emotional space, set boundaries in your body, your nervous system calm down. The other way is to create some emotional space, set boundaries in your relationships.

Speaker 1: 13:31

It's okay to say I love you, but I need some time to process my emotions, or I can't fix this alone. I need your help in finding a solution. Now let me just be clear that is not going to work with a narcissist. Okay, I'm talking about someone that's healthy. You can say look, I need some help here emotionally. You need to create some space emotionally to regulate. Find someone, a therapist. I have resources in the description. Find resources that help you regulate your emotions to get some trauma therapy. You deserve it. I've also got a new program that I have got an early bird offer on. It's just $37. You can heal your nervous system. Start doing that. It's 21 days of healing. So that's the next thing. The third thing I would say is move your body. You know, do activities like walking, yoga, yin yoga in particular, is brilliant. Dancing is fantastic. Singing, singing and humming these are all great ways to signal your nervous system that the danger has passed and it's okay for me to feel safe again Now.

Speaker 1: 14:54

If you have had trauma and you've been in a toxic relationship, you're more than likely to have CPTSD. So you do need some trauma-informed therapy to just create a safe space to unpack your experiences and develop new coping strategies and skills to release the emotions that have been given to you over that period of time. Because remember what I was saying earlier what they do is they are giving, they're handing over their unresolved emotions onto you, so you're carrying all this additional trauma as well as the trauma that you probably had from growing up or general life as well. So the first and most important thing is just to start releasing all of that so you can get yourself back. Your body's been through a lot, but it is capable of healing. By practicing self-compassion, inviting more laughter into your life, regulating your nervous system, you can start to feel safe and whole again.

Speaker 1: 16:01

One thing I really want to get clear here is I know a lot of people find it difficult to relate to the fact that they are a victim of toxic relationships, and I just want to bring this up because I've been reflecting on this quite a lot. I know I've really struggled to see myself as a victim, and usually anyone that has been in a toxic relationship. Let me explain. What you have been through does make you a victim of toxic relationships, and what you've been through is horrendous. However, you are a strong, amazing, incredible individual and you want to continue viewing yourself as that strong, amazing individual that will get over this, that will use their strength to regulate their emotions, to regulate their nervous system and to get back up.

Speaker 1: 17:01

You don't want sympathy from anyone else, because I know you're too strong for that, but what you're looking for is empathy someone to understand, to get you, to hear you, to see you, and that is what you need not sympathy, but empathy. You don't want anyone to feel sorry for you and see you as a victim, but you want empathy for the pain that you have been through, where you have been put in a position of being a victim of toxic relationships. I just wanted to clarify that that I know that you are strong and you will get there and I get you, and you want to be around people that have empathy for you, but not sympathy, because you're bigger than that. I just wanted to bring that up and this is the difference between someone that's toxic and someone that's a genuine survivor of toxic relationships, relationships.

Speaker 1: 18:05

Usually the toxic individual wants sympathy so that they can then use the other person's sympathy to control them, their emotions, to control them. They want people to feel sorry for them, but it's really normal for the person that is actually the person that's being abused or victimized. They don't want anyone to feel sorry for them. So that's why I wanted to bring that up is that you're not like the toxic individual who's using DAVO, which is deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender. Because, remember, the toxic individual loves making people feel guilt and shame and using guilt and shame to control others. So that's not what you're about and I get that.

Speaker 1: 18:51

So remember, you are strong, you're a survivor of a toxic relationship and you will get through this. But you do need to do a few things like calm your nervous system. It's biology, right. You've got to heal your body. You can't overcome this without helping your body recover and then heal, really focus on healing the trauma so your brain can function normally again, because your creativity, your being able to live, it's at a different nervous system. It's at a different level, so you've got to get yourself there from a physical level as well. So remember, healing's not about perfection at all. If anything, healing is when you feel you've made a mistake, is just being kind and loving and releasing some of that oxytocin. It's about small, consistent steps, and I want to say another massive thank you to everybody.

Speaker 1: 19:51

I know Feedspot have featured this podcast as a top sixth in. We got it to the top 10 this time. The toxic relationship detox for helping people that have struggled with toxic relationships or narcissistic abuse. This podcast couldn't have done that without you. I really really appreciate every single person that is listening to this and if you found this helpful, please share it with someone that who might need it. Please do also rate the podcast, because that really helps. Know that I am still offering people that want to look at what type of trauma healing they need so they can get themselves back. If you're looking for that trauma therapy, please do look in the resources section and you can book in a one-to-one with me and we can look at what is it that you need moving forward. And also, I do have a program specifically for helping your nervous system. It's a 21-day calm program and it's got an early bird offer for $37. Please keep loving yourself. Be kind to yourself, sending you so much love Till next time.