Toxic Relationships: Why Do People Believe the Narcissist Over the Victim?🌟

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🚨 Why Do People Believe the Narcissist Over the Victim? The truth isn’t always what it seems.

What if the most charming person in the room is also the most dangerous? Narcissists and manipulators control the narrative, flipping reality to make themselves look like the victim—while the real victim is left discredited, silenced, and doubted.

In this eye-opening episode, we break down the psychological warfare used by narcissists and abusers, exposing DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) and other manipulation tactics.

🔍 What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

✔ Why people instinctively believe narcissists over their victims.
✔ The DARVO technique & how abusers flip the script.
✔ The role of trauma & why victims struggle to be believed.
✔ Real-life examples: Gwyneth Paltrow, Harvey Weinstein, & Gabby Petito.
✔ How society enables manipulation—and how to fight back.

By understanding these manipulation strategies, we can learn to see past the deception and support victims before it’s too late.

🎧 Listen Now & Take Back the Truth!

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Power Dynamics in Victimhood
• 6:19 Manipulative Tactics of Narcissists
• 16:09 Unraveling Trauma and Narcissistic Manipulation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

One of my clients recently said I kept thinking if I could just explain what happened to me better, if I could just get people to see what really happened. And I tried, but every time I spoke, the more I explained, the more I felt like I was the bad one or I'm the crazy one, or I felt like people thought I wasn't telling the truth and that really, really hurt. I was recently asked in an interview about weaponization, like why is it that perpetrators end up weaponizing things that are there for people who are the true victim, things like MeToo and I thought that was such an important question and today we're going to be diving into something that is deeply unsettling, deeply traumatic, but such an important question. Why is it that victims struggle to be believed straight away and sometimes never, they never get believed, and how the narcissist guiltfully weaponizes whatever is available to help protect them and they are believed. Why is it that this is happening? And it's not just individuals. They actually can manipulate entire systems or groups or institutions, and how we're going to try and make sense of this is through using neuroscience, psychology and also real world case studies to really look at this does really happen. I know if you've been in a toxic relationship. You've probably wondered why has this happened? Why is it that no one's really believing me? Why has this happened? Why is it that no one's really believing me?

Speaker 1: 1:47

One of the things that we have to take into consideration is a narcissist is constructing their positioning to be believed over years, like forever, whereas you're just trying to be a decent human being, whereas they're putting themselves in a position of power and influence so that they are believed. It might be. They have a position where they are seen to be a decent human being. They might have a position in a religious organization or they are more senior in an organisation, or they have a position through having more money. They are in a position of power to some degree where they can influence people. Maybe they're seen as being someone that is a victim in some way, like they might have lost their partner years ago and they've got this whole story. They've had a really tough life and things like that. They have a positioning in their society. If we look back at Gwyneth Paltrow, when she was put in a position where she was uncomfortable with Harvey Weinstein, she said that it was Brad Pitt that used his position and power to speak to Harvey Weinstein when she wasn't in a position of power. It was Brad Pitt that had the credibility and he used his positioning to deal with Harvey Weinstein to the point that he never did anything to her. Hence, what happens in institutions is the real victims don't have that positioning and power. And I just want to clarify something as well you don't have to be the CEO to be in a position, as a narcissist, to abuse other.

Speaker 1: 3:46

People. Say, if you've got a psychopath and you're the boss and you're just a decent human being trying to help people, you can get psychopaths who get into a position and power because of influencing others through socializing with senior individuals like your bosses, bosses, bosses. If they start influencing them, they have a position of power. Your positioning allows you to be in a position of power to influence the narrative. Okay, if we really look at what position of power and control is, is you are in a position of power and control is is you are in a position of power and control if you can influence what people think and what people feel, okay. So if you have the ability, or if this person has the ability, to influence someone, they are in a position of power. Control is to be able to influence what someone thinks and what they feel. If you're able to influence what someone thinks and feels, you're able to influence what they do and what they don't do. Very important that you are able to influence what they do and what they don't do for the rest of their life. We need to get really clear on is what is power and control?

Speaker 1: 5:11

And let's look at Gabby Petito. There's so many documentaries that show us time and time again is that we're not believing the victims. And it was tragic, it was just awful what happened to Gabby Petito. The police were called. There was a man that was slapping a woman while in a white van and they did catch up to them and you can see the footage and they believed that Gabby Petito was the aggressor and that he was the victim, and he even stayed in a DV hostel or hotel for a night. It's ridiculous when you think back. How did this happen? How can we get this so wrong and what can we learn from it? And we've started all these Me Too movements. We've even done Believe Women, yet someone who has position and power why is it that they can put something out there and we can believe it without even questioning it and stick around so that we can work through this.

Speaker 1: 6:19

So we've established what the narcissist wants. They want power and control over your thinking and what you feel. They want their own narrative out there. If you can think what they want you to think, if you can feel what they want you to feel, then you are under their control, getting the victim in a position right at the beginning of the relationship to believe an illusion. This is really important. Right at the beginning of the relationship, the person that is the target, for instance yourself. The narcissist makes you believe that you can fix them in some way, make them a better person in some way, and occasionally they will shower you with being nice so that you turn a blind eye to everything. So you start to believe there's a chance, there's a hope, you can fix them in some way, and that is a way of maintaining control.

Speaker 1: 7:20

The other thing they do is they start to discredit you without you knowing. You don't even know that you've been discredited because you feel some sort of loyalty around trying to help fix them. You're trying to help them be a better person. You feel like you don't want to be disloyal to them and say anything about them. So they're silencing you through your belief in trying to make them a better person. This is really important. You trying to make them better, you trying to make them a better person or help them in some way, is their way of silencing you. Because you have a loyalty, you will feel guilty about saying anything about them, and what they start doing is seeding stories to discredit you, should you decide to say anything at any point and that's what they do is they flip the narrative, making themselves look like a victim all the time.

Speaker 1: 8:16

And this isn't just a random, it is an actual psychological strategy called DARVO, d-a-r-v-o Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. And why does this work? Firstly, we need to start by looking at a typical brain. What we're looking for, the way our brains typically work and this is everyone we like to process a simple, clear story. We're all looking for clarity and this is really vital for us to understand when the narcissist is saying I'm being the one that's being attacked.

Speaker 1: 8:55

They have created a story that is easy for everyone to understand and they will weaponize whatever to create that story. So, for instance, if they're in a position of power and control, they will weaponize being in that position to sell that story. Oh look, I'm doing all this charity work. Or look, I'm this person in this room. I have this in. I'm helping loads of people in this religious organisation. Oh look, I'm helping all these children. They already have a really clear, nice story that backs up that. They can be believed. They have the right friends, they have the right family. Or they name drop and pretend to have all the right friends friends, they have the right family. Or they name drop and pretend to have all the right friends. They will get in with the right people to influence the narrative. Or they will have a story like, say, if they are more junior to you and you're the boss, they will have a story. Oh look, I am being mistreated and not being supported to elevate my career as a woman. She my boss, even though she's a woman, she's holding me back. They will have a story no matter what, and they will influence and weaponize whatever they can to be believed.

Speaker 1: 10:14

The second thing we have to understand is that the person that is a real victim will have trauma. That is what they're relying on for them to come across as being confused. Say, if you've got trauma. Say if you're in a situation where your trauma is triggered and your brain is working from the part of the brain that has the trauma. That means the logical thinking part of your brain is switched off. Trauma is totally illogical. It's emotional. You won't be able to use words to explain what it is that is going on. You won't be able to explain what happened before, what happened during. You'll be confused. You won't understand. Part of you will be thinking I want to protect the other person. Nothing will make sense. Okay, the person that's going to make sense is the actual narcissist, because their story is carefully crafted. It's like a nicely beautiful framed picture, whereas the way the trauma that works is like you have to piece together a jigsaw puzzle. It's going to be confusing. It's going to be. There's going to be anxiety. There's going to be overwhelming emotions. It could be that you're numb. Your brain isn't functioning like you would normally. So there is going to be trauma and that means your logical thinking part of the brain is switched off. It's not going to make sense.

Speaker 1: 11:45

You might make excuses for them, and the problem here is usually you can go round and round in circles. One minute you're making excuses for them. The next minute you're upset. The next minute you're making excuses for them as well. So you go round and round and round in circles. One minute you'd be saying, oh, I am really hurting. The next minute saying, well, no, actually I'm OK now. And then you keep going round this circle. So it's called rumination. But it's because your emotional part of the brain and your thinking part of the brain have not resolved the trauma, so they're in kind of conflict with each other. So you're going around in circles and that is normal for someone that has been through trauma. So what happens is when people are listening to the story that the narcissist is telling, they're creating this clear story and having an excuse for everything and they're weaponizing whatever they can to actually explain, explaining oh, poor me. And they're the crazy one. That's such an easy one to use.

Speaker 1: 12:55

Saying that someone that's got trauma is crazy, because the truth of the matter is trauma doesn't make sense. It's easy to get triggered, it's easy to get frustrated. You're going to get feel angry, because that is what trauma does. You can go into shutdown, you can isolate, you want to get away from the situation. That is trauma. Maybe you're not crying on cue, for instance, because you feel numb, so you're able to explain the situation without actually any feeling, and other times you might be over emotional and start crying over something that isn't maybe seen to be cry worthy of. So your emotions are all over the place. That is normal for someone that is being in a trauma scenario. So you could actually look at yourself and think, oh my gosh, there's something wrong with me. Maybe there really is something wrong with me. No, you have trauma. That is normal for someone that has trauma.

Speaker 1: 13:53

When the victim is actually speaking and wanting to explain, they are not looking at the other person and thinking, oh my gosh, are you believing me? They are really looking for empathy. They want empathy, to believe the narrative and get sympathy from you so they can control what you're thinking and what you're feeling. So there's two different things going on. So when you're explaining something, you're trying to create ease within yourself, the feeling of uneasiness, the trauma inside you that's been triggered, whereas what they're trying to do is manipulate the other person through getting sympathy and using emotions and explanations to try and create sympathy. They're someone that could be creating jokes and trying to charm the person, whereas you're all over the place and you're not making any sense.

Speaker 1: 14:57

The truth is, narcissists are relying on your brain, wanting something nicely packaged, without you looking any deeper. They're looking for you not to dig deep. They're looking for you to just look at this carefully crafted, nice, beautiful picture that's framed and for you not to look deeper than that. That's the problem here, and most people who are working in institutions or the police and stuff like that. They're happy for a nicely crafted, framed picture because they don't have to do any more work to dig deeper. However, life is difficult, life is complicated and when we've got trauma, you need to dig deeper, because there's also a lag phase where the person needs some time to go online. So when someone's trauma is triggered, you're offline. You need to help the person get online with their cognitive thinking so that you can get pieced together what's actually happened, what's actually happened in the brain, because trauma isn't easy to follow. It's not easy.

Speaker 1: 16:09

Trauma is messy. It's in a different part of the brain. You won't understand why you're even feeling what you're feeling. Sometimes. Some days, you will wake up and you won't even know why you're feeling down because your trauma has been triggered. And you don't even know why. You can't explain to someone else through your cognitive thinking, because memories are fragmented. Memories can be triggered through sight, smell and sometimes emotions are overwhelming. They're confusing. You could be angry, upset, um, you could forgive the person one minute. Then you're angry and upset again. Sometimes you just keep going around and running circles because where there's trauma, the prefrontal cortex part of the brain, the logical thinking part of the brain, can get shut down over and over again and the fear, the amygdala, keeps taking over every again and you can't explain why you're feeling and thinking two different things at the same time. One minute you think you're okay and you've got over it. Next thing you know you've been triggered again and you're back to where you were and our brains want a quick answer. And so it is frustrating for this for yourself, who's got the trauma, but also for the people that are trying to listen and understand, because it's not understandable.

Speaker 1: 17:30

But what they should be doing is actually looking for those signs. People that are in a position where they are part of services, for instance children's services or police, etc. They need to have time to dig deeper. They need to be looking for more than a clear, framed, beautiful framed picture. They need to be looking at signs for trauma because otherwise they are going to be manipulated by the narcissist. They are going to be part of that where they're being manipulated in entire systems because the narcissist is playing the long game, where they are just using everything. They just want you to believe their side of the story without digging any deeper. They're buying people, basically promising people success. So if they can get this narcissist to suddenly change through doing a course or something so that they are in a position to elevate their own career, because they've helped someone but they haven't helped anyone, they're just helping the toxic individual, continue doing what they're doing. So that's pretty much.

Speaker 1: 18:43

What we need to understand is that trauma is messy. Trauma means that you are going to be triggered and the narcissist is relying on you to be triggered. So if you're going through court, they're relying on you to be triggered. So if you're going through court, they're relying on you being triggered so that you're able to articulate what happened for the court system to see the narcissist clearly. And in order to do that, we have to heal our trauma, unfortunately, to be able to navigate systems better, because they aren't in a position to understand at the moment, or ideally, what should happen is that systems should be educated on how DAVO is used, how narcissists weaponize whatever they can to actually create a story and what happens to victims where there is trauma, and to understand that trauma is messy, there's not going to be clear-cut explanation, and that we need to create a space where victims feel safe enough to explain. We need to learn how to piece together the jigsaw.

Speaker 1: 19:54

The other thing is what you can do is know you have to gather evidence, unfortunately, of what this toxic individual is doing. That's why, if you can lay your hands on evidence and just focus on the evidence, you will catch the narcissist out. You will get people to see that the narcissist is who the narcissist is. There's going to be people that are so brainwashed and so manipulated they will not believe you, even if you have the evidence. They're not your people, they're really not. Just move on, get out, block them, do whatever you need to do to get away from these people because they're not willing to look at the evidence and see what's happened to you. You don't need them in your life.

Speaker 1: 20:37

The second thing you need to do is heal your trauma, because you have accumulated so much more trauma. It is going to affect your life, the way you communicate, the way you get things across. You need your brain back. You don't want to be controlled in terms of how you feel and what you think. Now that you're out of that relationship and find your people moving forward, find people that you want to be around decent, healthy people.

Speaker 1: 21:05

If you are around people that have been manipulated, they will continue to trigger you because you will feel like you're the bad person and you don't need that in your life. They don't believe you. Get out of that. You're not a master manipulator. You're not going to be able to manipulate these people back or influence them. So you have to get to the facts and look at the facts, because toxic individuals rely on everything that is not factual. There's no substance behind anything.

Speaker 1: 21:38

If people were able to dig just a little bit deeper, they would see that there'd be holes in what the toxic and the narcissist is saying and they're relying on you having trauma to back up their story. I hope you're understanding that. It's the fact that you have that they're able to get away with what they're getting through and it's just awful. That really hurts Even for me to say it hurts for me to think that these people are out there relying on someone else's trauma to be believed. It's just really awful. So if this resonated with you, please share it. We need to expose these tactics as much as possible. The harder it becomes for perpetrators to keep getting away with clearly designed, framed picture, to get away with things where they don't look at the impact is had on people. People aren't looking at, oh gosh, what is the impact on this person and what's the impact on that person. They're standing around smiling and laughing and calling the other person crazy, but yet this person is showing signs of trauma and we're believing this person that's the narcissist. It doesn't make sense. This person that's the narcissist. It doesn't make sense. It's so hurtful when people don't believe you, they don't stand up for you and it's understandable that it hurts.

Speaker 1: 23:04

I want you to know you're not alone on this. Do take support. If this is something you've experienced, then look in the resources section, apply for a one-to-one session and see if you can start getting therapy for your trauma. Start healing that trauma. I really appreciate you listening, keep questioning, keep learning, keep making the world a better place. Let there be justice. Let's speak up. Let's keep getting this message out of what trauma is and start healing our trauma so we can help others as well, speak up and and support each other. Hopefully this has helped you. You know, next time you hear someone's story, just look for signs. Is this person showing signs of trauma? Start digging deeper and find out what really happened so that you maybe be able to help somebody, support somebody. I'm sending you so much love Till next time.